struggles of an extrovert

I LOVE PEOPLE. I'm a people person. I love being near people. Talking with people. Touching people. Getting to know people. Listening to people. Having people get to know me. It helps blood flow through my veins, I don't even know how to describe it! But I know it's how God made me. He especially made me to love people. I'm sure if it! Because there's far too many people I've met that when I tell them "I never get tired of people :):):)", they flip their LID! They freak out and say something like "you've got to be kidding me!" or "well, I'm sure you'll get there one of these days." or "yeah right!" But I mean it, much to their disbelief. And probably to yours!

But, for example, on the road trip, I forget what we were talking about, or even what context it was in, but someone said "haha, like right now I can't wait to get home and curl up on my couch with a good book. I love you guys, but I'm getting tired of you all! Hahaha!" And to that we all heartily laughed, but as I examined my own mental health, I was flourishing! When I go home and curl up on my couch - it's like that's exhausting! I could've been on that road trip forever, because that's just who I am, I'm a people person! A couple weeks ago, I got reallly sick. Like absent from school for 4 days sick! And I hated every minute of it. I slept for days and days, which proved I was sick because I hate sleep. You can't socialize while your eyes are closed and your drooling on your pillow. I've always hated sleep, I remember when I was a little kid, when my mom would put me to bed, I would lay for HOURS talking with my stuffed animals until I couldn't resist the sandman anymore. I'm just craaaazy in love with people :)

And ya know, a lot's been on my mind lately about how I am. First of all, I think I've finally come to a place where I can tell myself it's okay that I want to be around people 24/7. It's a gift from God honestly! But, because of my sucky past and some good advice that I took and made into bad advice, I was always convincing myself otherwise. I'm a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl. I'm a even-though-I've-only-known-you-for-5-minutes-let's-swap-life-stories kind of girl. And around the time of freshman/sophomore year, when everyone has their cat claws out I got myself into some sticky, hurtful situations. So, I was like a turtle for the next year or so. I had my head inside my shell. And that's not a bad place to be, by all means. It's an introvert's favorite place to be in fact! And God made them that way just like God made me to like my head sticking out of my shell.

Around that time in my life, I was given a lot of advice.. "Just go to God first, Danielle." "God's the only one who'll never let you down!" "Make Him your only priority." All good advice, right? Except for my young and impressionable mind, I took it all too literally. Go to God first? Okay, I'll go to God, only God, and nothing but God for every day for the rest of my life! Because He's the only one who'll never let me down. Trust others? Forget it! I'm going to bottle up my emotions and store them deep inside, because God is my priority, and He already knows how I feel..etc. All good decisions, I even agree now. But something about it just didn't set right with me. It was a little off. I'd tweaked good, sound advice and strong principles to my favor. I took them to the extreme in a way. I remember praying these words to God, "Be the Lord over my emotions, because every part of me belongs to you." Except I wouldn't really let God be the Lord over my emotions...it's like I would show Him how I felt, and then I would take it and bury it deep in my gut.

And honestly, even though I've been "in my shell" the past year or so, comparatively it wasn't a shell at all! I mean, let's put it this way, if how much I protected my self freshman/sophomore year was the size of... an elephant, these past two years it's been the size of.. a hippo! Still pretty go-get-em, love everyone, trust almost everyone type of personality. With a few walls built from a few lessons learned. So, I still got hurt. A lot. I'm sensitive and I take things personally, I guess that's the downside to the gift God's given me. God has given me the gift of compassion. I feel my emotions very deeply, for others and myself.

So, it's like my entire life I've dealt with this.... BLURSE (blessing/curse)! (Okay, it's not a curse at all, at least that's what I'm discovering, but I'll keep it in there, for dramatic effect. Because I'm a teenager, and I'll be dramatic if I want to! Anyways..) Of compassion. Of loving people til it hurts. Of getting taken advantage of from time to time. Of taking things personally. And I've come to a couple realizations:

First of all, IT IS A GIFT! It's a gift that I have, I don't really know anyone else who I've even been able to relate this to, so it's taken me a while to come to this conclusion. Everyone gets tired of people except for me! And that's sucked. I'm surrounded by introverts. My mom's an introvert, most of my closest friends are introverts. And so to them, when I'd explain it, they just wouldn't understand. They'd be like "it's wrong to put people before God". Which it is, and that's something I've been guilty of and continue to struggle with. But, I've taken that to the extreme, and instead haven't really been open open open about myself (remember the elephant/hippo analogy?) with anyone in a long, long while. God made me to be an elephant! And being an elephant is a gift.

Secondly, it's hard because extroverts are the minority. At least that's true for where I live, because I've never met anyone quite like me. Not that everyone is suppose to be like eachother, but that I can't relate the way I feel about other human beings to another human being...and that's exactly what extroverts do! Which brings me to my next point.. But to conclude with this one, it's hard to be alone. And especially for extroverts.

Now, finally, I am extroverted!!!! That doesn't just mean I lovelovelove people. That doesn't just mean I'm gifted with compassion. It has to do with the way I'm wired. A very wise person who gave birth to me finally got it through my thick skull:
The way things work (by my mother)Introverts are people who work through things internally. When they have a problem, they take it and think about it. For maybe days. They are contented with keeping it to themselves and are contented with not expressing it. Extroverts are people who work through things externally. When they have a problem, they take it outside of themselves in order to work through it. They go to other people they trust, tell them about it, and through voicing it, through telling it several times, through letting others in on it...it's just how they deal. It's not even necessarily about the feedback they receive from that person they share it with, though that is important. It's about being heard. About expression. About others.

And so, for quite some time, I was really lost about how an extrovert's way of dealing fits in with a Christian lifestyle. To me, from what references I had to look up to and base my actions on, you were suppose to "go to God first" and to me that meant, not expressing it to others. And now I find that that way of doing things was just utterly wrong for me! I thrive on conversation with others, on giving little pieces of myself away, on expressing myself and my struggles. And as long as God is my first and foremost, as long as He's my priority, as long as I keep what He says through His Word most dear to my heart, then I'm doing what He's called me to! And if God is who created me, and He created me to deal with things in an extroverted manner, then who's to say that conversing and expressing and giving isn't doing His Will?

I don't have it all figured out, and I probably never will, but I know what I know, and I know that God isn't done with me, and I know that whatever He's got up His sleeve for my life is going to be something incredible! I think there's a reason that I'm the only extroverted person I've ever been close with, because He's trying to GROW me in it. How much easier would it have been if there were a bajillion other people-lover-freaks all around me? But no, I have learned to be both myself and a Christ-follower in a place that was completely uncomfortable for me. And I know I'm going to use everything God's built up in me here, out there, on the mission field with Spanish people! Or in my dear private college with a good number of unenthusiastic, passion-less, social-skill-less home school/private school kids. (Don't take offense to that home/private school kids, I'm being dramatic again, making a generalization!)

Life is hard as an extrovert. And I'm sure it's just as hard in other ways as an introvert. Like..in God's two most important commandments, I've got some semblance of a grasp on the second one, but it's the first one I long to perfect. And I bet it's probably vice versa. So, now, all I gotta do is work on putting into practice what God is teaching me. I need to express myself and stop smothering the way I deal with things by letting it eat away at me. I need to continue to strive after God first and foremost, but I'm not going to let that inhibit me from feeling anything anymore. I'm going to stop praying the prayer "Be the Lord over my emotions." Or I'm at least going to mean it differently. Because I need to feel! I need to feel however I need to feel and stop stifling my growth as both a Christian and a person. Jesus never intended for us to never feel our emotions, He just calls us to react to those emotions according to His Will.

My personal prayer has been colossians 3 for the past week or so. It's been the beat to my heart, I can't stop reading it. I like the way the message puts it.

^1-2So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

^3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

^5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

^9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

^12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

Phew, that was a long blog! Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. Thanks for having compassion on me :) I love you if you're reading this.

p.s. only 12 more days of high school!