where the past meets the future

Senior year is turning into so much more than I expected it to be. It's truly a desert year, a year of waiting and moving forward, a year of time going fast and time going slow, a year of letting go and gripping harder, a year of growth & more growth & more growth & EVEN more growth. Growth into not only a stronger Christian, but into a stronger sense of oneself. If anything, this year is about knowing and waiting. That's the best way I can describe it vaguely. Knowing and waiting.

I know that God has a plan for me. I know that I'm made to love and serve and grow and lead for now. I know that's what I'm doing and should continue to do this year. I know God is calling me to something amazing and to a completely different life next year. I know that God will provide for that and will lead me to it in His timing. I know the whole high school thing. I know exactly how it goes. I know all the people, all the teachers, all the leaders, all the pure motives and ugly motives one goes through throughout their high school career. I know what it's like to be a freshman, sophomore, junior, and now senior. I know that even though high school is dull to me now, that I'm called to persevere. I know that I'm called to lead in love this year. I know that I'm suppose to let go and let others lead little by little this year. I know that I've got my future ahead of me and it's coming my way, but it's just now quite here yet.

I'm waiting on that future. I'm waiting to get up and get out and move on to the next part of my life. I'm waiting to advance to the next segment of God's plan for me. I'm waiting for that plan to be revealed even. I've got to wait on those college applications to be turned in, to be read, and to determine my admission status. I'm waiting on my financial information to get itself together. I'm waiting on choices to be made and I'm waiting to make my choice. I'm waiting on leaders to rise up. I'm waiting the seeds that I've planted over the past 3ish years to start to take root and blossom, little by little. I'm waiting to plant even more seeds before I go. I've got to wait patiently. I'm going to guard my heart while I'm waiting and begin to slowly pull my immersed heart out of my ministry. I'm waiting to immerse it into something else, something different, something new, something harder, something deeper, something other than what I've moved on from.


I'm waiting and knowing. I'm knowing I'll wait and I'm waiting to know. So many emotions, all different than ever before. Realizing it's not about me, letting go of my pride, holding on to what I hold most dear more and more and more. Knowing that He's the only thing that will guide me through the rest of my life, not my youth group, not my friends, not my mentors, not my leadership, God alone. God alone knows how long I'll wait. And God alone knows where the past will meet the future, senior year.