the shaft

I've used the term "the shaft" to describe my life seriously COUNTLESSLY throughout the past couple of months. My mom is normally the person I vent to, she sees the ugly side of me. The complainer. So many rants and raves. I can't even express it to you.

And, I thought it was just a valley in my life. That was just the time period in my life when things..didn't go so awesome for me. It was like continual bad luck. Continual exclusion. Continual put-downs. Continual cruelty. Continual suffering. Continual pain. Continual last-ness. Continual adversity. Continual suckyness. Wow does that sound depressing! And it's not even that bad. It's not continual. But I don't see other people facing the adversity that I face. Or they face different..in my eyes easier..adversity than I have to deal with. And sometimes it's just a little overwhelming. It might have not been continual, but it's constant. Like..I live in the shaft.

And I know that Jesus did too. I know that Jesus suffered more than I did. He faced the ultimate adversity. What I go through doesn't hold a candle to it. And I know that God calls us to be last. Just read matthew 19 & 20. And I know that God sees everything, all of our last-ness. And I know that He's a just God. But I just need to remember it. I need to find comfort in it. Because it's true! Even if it doesn't feel like it. Even if I can't see it. And that's called faith. It just sucks. Because I'm having faith through a life of being last. How can I be excited about that? Oh yay! I get to suffer my whole life long! I get to turn the other cheek and let everyone walk all over me and still look on the bright side even when I can't even see it because it's so dim and bleak! Oh yay! I just don't know. When will I understand then?