growing pains

Lately, I've really been on a spiritual low. I really hate admitting this, honestly. Things just aren't as good as they used to be..or so it seems. I haven't been struggling as hard to do what's right, I've slacked off in some areas where I can't afford to slack off in, I just..I've lacked motivation.

Most of all what's hit me, is just: my friends. My encouragers. They've been sort of, dropping out of the picture. Probably not on purpose, and I know it's been God's Will. But, I just haven't found as much fellowship, as much guidance, as much encouragement from people lately. It's sucked. It's hurt. But, it's been God's way of telling me it's time to find my growth through Him and not through others.

Now, why I hate admitting this? I feel like I JUST LEARNED this lesson. Not even joking.

But, ohh how it's caused re-heartbreak. I have a lot of pain in this area. And I've been a big baby about it recently. I've argued in my mind: Other people don't face this and perservere. Other people face this and turn worldly. Other people don't even have to face this. Other people are loved in endless amounts. Why isn't God stretching them? Why isn't God easing up on me? I always get the shaft. I can't think of one time within the past year of 2009 when I didn't get the shaft. I want to feel loved and encouraged and told that I'm doing a good job being a follower of God.

I've prayed unceasingly about this. And I've known that it's God growing me up in Him, and I've known that it's been a good thing that I feel so alone on this, and I've known that I have to be alone on this because it's other people's choice how much they want to allow God to grow them. I can't find comfort in people in this way. The only people that understand me are leaving for college, and the rest are adults that are too busy right now for me. And God's teaching me this. God's teaching me this the hard way. The only comfort I can find right now is through Him. And I don't know why that's such a harsh reality for me right now, but it is. And it hurts. And I don't like talking about it. But at the same time I do. It's humbling. And sickening. And weakening. And I know it's just a time of growth. A time of silence. A time of perseverance. A time of heartbreak.

Summer is coming. And I know I've got to be strong in my Faith this summer. And the pressure of the seniors leaving should serve as encouragement to me. I have to love Jesus with everything that I am. Even when I feel like I'm the only one. And that's just a real tough lesson for me to swallow right now.

Micah 6:8
He has showed you what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.