There are things that I'm definitely ready to leave. Igual, there are things that I'm definitely ready to get back to.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME A PART OF ME IS DREADING LEAVING. I'm scared. I'm scared because although I've stayed in contact pretty dang well with all my friends from back home, I've been out of the country 6 months! They have to have moved on from my literal presence in one way or another. And further, I've changed. I've experienced something that I can never explain fully to them. Surely they've changed just as much and likewise they can't explain to me what they've experienced in the past 6 months... We are meeting again, as different people. They'll have integrated and created more of their life. Me? I've been investing and integrating elsewhere. All that I've been experiencing is going to disappear. I'm leaving a large chunk of my heart here. Larger than I could've anticipated. Larger than I'm probably currently anticipating. I'm sad. I'm sad because it's goodbye to so many people I've grown to love so dearly. Like I think I said in my last blog I had a dream the other night that I was crying and hugging everyone goodbye. It surprised me because it's like I've grown so attached to everyone almost without even consciously realizing it. I didn't cry or haven't cried the whole time I've been here from missing my loved ones back home... but to dream so about the people here? Maybe it's because it's pretty certain that I'm not going to see these wonderful human being again like I know I'll see the people back home. Still, there's skype and facebook, but it won't be the same. I have the overwhelming desire to take everyone with me. That sounds really stupid and mission-trippy saying it, but it's how strongly I feel about not loosing these people I've grown to love so much. And finally, I'm taken-aback. I'm taken-aback with trying to process it all. It has been a FAST and FURIOUS 6 months. I honestly don't feel like I've processed anything yet, because I'm always intaking, there isn't a break to look at what I've already experience and reflect on what I think about it. I remember hearing people say how much they grew as people during study abroad. I look at myself now and myself when I left and I know they're different, but I don't understand what happened in between to make them that way.
"Costarse" I love using this word. It describes my emotions right now. Me ha costado. Literally, more or less, it means "It has costed me". I've spent myself through this experience. It's required me to adapt and to tolerate and to apply myself and to exert myself. It's been my life for 6 months and now I'm going back to how things were, but they'll be different, and I'll have to readjust to a different life again. What a costing experience this is. Not necessarily in a bad way. Not really in a bubblegum good way either. It's costing, haha.
Así es. Ahí esta.
P.S. The title? Yes I meant feels. Don't hate on my rad lingo. (OMG I MISS HAVING COOL LINGO)
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