The past couple of months have seriously been some of the most introspective of my life. Towards the end of last year I began feeling the weight of pressure.
No, further back. High school was a great time for me. GREAT. I had great friends, great mentors, great adventures. I was in this whole world where everyone knew me and I knew everyone. I felt a lot of positive peer pressure that's made me into a really solid homegirl. I learned how to love Jesus and to put everything second to that. I learned that I had a real knack for loving people and put that into practice. I gave 100%. Every day. Then, I went to college. Everything was different. For reasons that I still don't like to wrap my mind around, I chose a tiny, Christian college in a tiny, podunk town in northern Indiana. I learned more about the "religion" my love and relationship with God coincides with. It's taught me a lot. I've seen a lot of the ugly and a bit of the pretty in Christianity. Last year, I applied to go into leadership and got rejected for three different positions. I was trying so hard. I realize now how much of my relationship with God was about always trying. I went to a seminar called "Christian burnout". I guess that was really the catalyst. Having a passion for living for God is something that's really easy to get caught up in. That seminar made me question a lot of things. Why was I trying? If I didn't feel like going to church one day, why would I go anyway? Why did I feel bad for doing things many Christians "look down" on? There was so much pressure to be a Christian I never felt in high school.
Last summer, I tried to go back. Back to the way it was in high school. Such a strong community, everyone encouraging everyone, so much love. There isn't that in my life anymore. I've written a few blogs about this sense of my heart being stretched as the people in my life scatter... I don't know if I've published any. It's good. It's right. It's adulthood. Home is different now. Home isn't home anymore. That's hurt so bad, because it was such a special time for me, looking back. But there's no going back.
So I looked forward. I started by confronting the ghosts of my past, particularly this past semester. What's made me who I am and why do I feel so disingenuous if I do almost anything now? That's still something I'm working on. And I won't disclose what the ghosts in my past have had to contribute. Get coffee with me. I'd rather look you in the eye and tell you all the things I'm not proud of.
So, let's begin with what I'm sure of: I feel genuine when I relate to people. I'm pretty positive that's why God has placed me on this earth. I feel most fulfilled when I take the time to really care about others. Like, really care. Connecting, investing, listening. I've learned a lot since college about relationships. 1. You don't have to connect with everyone, but you still have to love everyone. 2. Love is seriously, very hard. 3. Love is all that matters. Love for the Father through the Son and love for others. God is Love. God is not religion. (So much more profound than it sounds)
Second thing I'm certain of: I hate religion. It's people trying to connect to God. It's about trying. God isn't about that. He meets us where we're at. The more we try, the more we feel like we're progressing in our relationship with Him. I don't believe you can "make progress" towards God. He's the one who does the work. He takes us wherever we want. Who was I to think that I could find more and more of Him? Who was I, trying? THAT'S futile. For us. Because those are His jobs. I'm never going to fully attain letting go. Letting God have the reigns. But, I'm going to struggle my whole life towards anti-trying. Letting go instead of trying implies that I'm on the same playing field as everyone else. I love the idea of finding inspiration in "secular" things. I don't even like referring to anything as secular. I'm done condoning the pretentious ladder in Christian America. I hate "holier than thou". I'm going to spend my life combatting that. I need a lot of help in order to do this like Christ would. Right now, I have quite an attitude towards it. But better genuine and bitter than faking a regard of "holy" things.
I think what's really happening to me is that I'm learning to think for myself. Probe everything. Pick a movement, an organization, a platform. Democrat, the 99%, Lutheran, Prolife, a band, a book, a movie. If my allegiance lies with Christ, than I can't pledge allegiance to anything else. I can support what I believe Christ would, but I'm at the point right now where I don't want to stand behind anything. Everything is manmade. Humans err. I'm not putting my trust into anything but God. It sounds that simple, but it's not.
I was talking with a dear friend the other day about life. She's one of those friends that asks me how I am and really means it. She wants to know, despite the unholiness of my thoughts and state of being. I can only hope people sense that when I ask them. I answered with something like, "I'm good. Just coasting through life. I don't feel very passionate about anything right now." I was thinking about that later, and man, I have never felt this purposeless. It's true, I don't have a definite, over-arching life purpose. I have my day-to-day agenda. I'm a college student wandering around trying to find out how to become an adult. It sucks. Right now I'm figuring myself out. That's my purpose: figuring. Myself as Christ wants me. And right now, I think the only thing I know is He didn't make me to be a robot.
My life is one heck of a story. On to the next chapter...
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