I'm tired. I'm just flat out tired. I don't remember a time before this when I've been this worn out spiritually, emotionally, physically. I'm just tired of it. Exhausted. Weary. Fatigued. Exasperated. Strained. Weak. I feel literally on my final straw here. I don't even know how to describe it to give it full justice. It's just with everything. With certain situations, certain events, certain involvements, certain commitments I have. Actually, it's more like EVERY instead of certain. It's not like I've taken on a lot more recently either, or it doesn't appear that way to me, it's just like an influx of everything I'm already involved in has taken off...and now I'm holding on for dear life! I thought everything was winding down for some reason, being the end of my senior year and all..
I know that God has a plan here for me though. I know that He's using this in some sort of way to grow me up in Him. It's just hard. And the hardness keeps transforming into a different type of hard. To develop me in a different aspect of my faith.
And a new aspect that I'm starting to feel, is uncomfortable. And not the comfortable uncomfortable... Like, not the uncomfortable that I like & is good for me, the kind that stretches me in my relationship with God and challenges me...the out of my comfort zone comfortable? Nope, it's not that. It's the I-don't-belong-here uncomfortable. I honestly believe that God beginning to help my heart withdraw from this place in more than just a preparation standpoint. Like, the internal preparation has taken it's course and now He's working on my external. And, that kind of hurts! I've lived here my entire life. And now I'm going to be living somewhere different. It's so strange, and new, and scary. But by making everything here so intolerable, it's making going there more and more tolerable. Haha, that makes perfect sense to me, that last sentence. That's what I'm trying to say!
Senior year is so weird. SO WEIRD. It's like, the biggest transition year of life!
But anyways, back to the whole being tired deal. I had a really hard end of my week last week. I was just seriously exhausted. From everything. In every aspect. Unlike I've ever felt before. And, starting this week. After a day out of commission. I don't even feel that rested! It's like, MAJOR character development or something. God is pushing me to my limit, over my limit, to my limit, over my limit. "Learn this. Develop here, in this area. PERSEVERE through this, and this, and this, and this, and this. Oh yeah, and this. Nope, I'm not taking that for you, you've gotta endure it. Continue. Persist. Stand firm. Carry on. Keep on keeping on. Yes I'm serious! What do you think life's going to be made of? Butterflies and cotton candy?" Okay, maybe God's not saying that to me. But He is calling me to something. And I'm going to do it.
I'm going to persevere through senior year. I'm going to love through situations. I'm going to continue ignoring satan. I'm going to not let things get to me while keeping a soft heart. I'm going to keep pushing even though I'm tired. I've got to. It's what Christ did for me. And it's what He wants for me. I will not argue with His Will. I will not be lazy. But, I won't go over the deep end either, and commit spiritual suicide by trying to do everything all at once. It's so confusing. It's soooo much. But, I'm going to try my hardest.
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