what I know..

I know

I know that following God is the hardest thing on the planet. I know that through faith comes pain. I know that through faith comes persecution, and not just persecution from unchristians. I know that the hurt that comes from a life after God's own heart doesn't even hold a candle to the lonely existence without God. I know that, but sometimes I forget. I know that standing up for God is lonely. I know that truly living a holy life is lonely. I know that God will provide. I know that God will provide comfort. And I also know that God won't put me through anything I can't handle. I know that I can't always feel fully content and fully fulfilled like I could if I recieved instant gratification. Sometimes, I know God will allow me to grow, and with that growth will come pain. I know all of this, but it still doesn't ease the shock of a good, hard spiritual shaking.

I don't know

what to do sometimes. I don't quite know the righteous thing to do in certain situations. I don't know the balance between righteousness and mercy. I don't know how to deal with the intense feelings I feel. I don't know why God allows me to feel my emotions so intensely. I don't know what I'm going to do to please God with my life. I don't know how to find out either. I don't know if I'm leading a good example or not. I don't know if I should know how I'm doing spiritually. I don't know how to convince myself to quit looking inward at myself and look upward to God. I don't know how to even go about it. I don't even know if it would be a good thing to stop seeking my flaws and focus on just living better. I don't know how to deal with my surroundings. I don't know where to look sometimes, because everyone always lets me down. I don't know how to deal with my holy frustration sometimes. I don't know whether to vent or tolerate, to act or remain silent, to leave or to stay. I don't know how to not succumb to it sometimes either. And then I don't know how to live with the sin. I don't know about this summer yet; it's so different. I don't know if I've fully surrendered to God's Will yet.

I don't know. But I know God's Will will lead me to a place where I'll just know. But this uncertainty just sucks for the time being. I want to know how everything will turn out. I want to know what I need to do. But I know that I just have to let God take me there. And that's so scary. And hard. And painful. And beautiful. And perfect. And fulfilling. It's everything, truly, I know it.